Written by Jessica Golich
I was the poster child for everything you desperately did not want your child to be. I was a selfish, inappreciative and downright awful kid. I purposely engaged in any poor behavior that would create catty wars and increasingly make my parents life a living hell. I broke my dear mothers heart, and today, I would give my younger self a hardy lecture and a solid ass whoppin’. I was addicted to the nightly routine. I spent years of my teenage life on ceaseless drinking sessions. I made my mother suffer until her hair turned gray. I floundered in high school and anesthetized my struggles with alcohol. I called my mother every cruel name in the book. I regularly ridiculed and verbally abused my mother in public and in front of my so-called pals. My mother spent countless fucking nights hanging onto her hat and worrying herself sick about whether I was drunkenly passed out in a sleazy beau’s bed or spending the night next to dimwitted pigs in a chilly jail cell after sucking down a fifth of cheap alcohol that I stole from the local CVS and bouncing from one crooked situation to the next. My alcoholism took my adolescent life downhill like a sled gathering speed. I was an asshole of the highest caliber, and regularly awoke hazy and desperately strung out with guilt. I attended high school two times a month before I dropped out and was left high and dry with an empty bottle as the only token of my life that I sedately managed to keep held high. On the fast track to self-destruction and rashly under the belief that I was invincible, I became progressively preoccupied with a cornucopia of different substances and lived life through a state of pure ignorance.
I cry as I recall how I embedded the emotional pain that was pin-balling inside of me into my mother while I was engrossed in a state of perpetual hysteria. Mom, I reflect upon the downright awful things I said to you during my slumber and wonder how you managed to still praise my very few strengths and offer encouragement to overcome adversity during this time where I gave you nothing but a loathsome headache. You absolutely never deserted me in my times of frenzied need and aimed to guide me through every storm. Mom, I was hateful and hurtful toward you. I destroyed our trust by lying to you and constantly manipulating you. I cannot fathom surviving as a parent with all that I put you through. My behavior deserves to be broadcasted as a weighty message and influence upon thick-witted, disobediant teens. Mom, you are the pillar of glue in our family, and almost a decade later, I have created this opportunity to publicly express how far our relationship has come since we have broken the vicious cycle and I finally fucking sobered up.
Ma, I would give you the shirt off of my back and shiver in the pits of Oymyakon, Russia for your warmth. You symbolize a spirit of compassion and are my most trusting source of support. You are a true fighter and I sincerely appreciate the value you have always placed on my individuality. You sacrificed your time to ensure that I had a hot meal (and flaming Cheetos) on the table every single night even when I burdened you with my dismay. You have inspired a fascination within me which led me toward educating myself on the psychology of action and understanding why human beings behave the way they do rather than fork over ignorant judgement as an adult. You housed me in your womb and delivered me into this world, kicking and screaming, and have already given me a lifetime of nurturing love. Your tireless efforts to motivate my wretched ass are honorable and your dedication to the betterment and comfort of your children deserves an award. You endlessly continued to love, serve and raise me through the darkest days and I thank you for your patience and perseverance while you rotated on my selfish axis. You flow through every molecule of my being and I make a vow to ensure that the rest of your life is brimming with love and sincere care. You will forever be taken care of as the Queen you are and always have been. You are number one in my heart. Every day is Mother’s Day, Ma…….
Life is short and old age will come crawling, Ma. I accept that there will be a time in which your needs will change and you will need assistance with carrying out everyday activities. I make a sincere promise to you that I will make your care the main priority in my life. I will bathe you if you ever become too weak. I will curl your gray hair every fucking morning. I will dress you in attire as if you were preparing to meet the most impactful people in the world. And I will endlessly support and love you through every potential obstacle we may come across with open communication and understanding. Though I may have never delivered you a straight-A report card, I have become a woman who is gentle as a dove and brave as a lion because you have encouraged me to relentlessly discover what I truly delight in and never pushed me down a specific, narrow path. I am sorry about the stomach- churning phone calls relaying the message that your seventeen year old daughter was in jail once again. I am sorry for all of the bottom of the barrel experiences and dragging you through the dirt as I encountered hard lessons I put upon myself. I am deeply sorry for every last bit of pain I have ever brought into your life.
I am so sorry, Mom.
Today, I love your text messages full of emojis and all of the pop-culture slang that I have taught you over the years. I am proud to walk tall with my arm around you everywhere we go. I enjoy how we laugh at my childish antics and I appreciate how sincerely you support my current migrating blood of independence and freewill with enthusiasm. Our story is truly a heart-stirring story, Ma. If nothing else, I hope you know that you are my best friend and I love you with every ounce of my being. Folks, if you have a mother who deserves to be appreciated, please acknowledge that your very mother is irreplaceable and cherish the woman. I encourage you to call your mother, right now. Give your mom a big hug and kiss while you have the chance. Get your shit together and put the bullshit excuse of not having enough time to rest.
My mother’s sheer presence produces a wide range of emotions and reactions within me, which is certainly a response to feelings and memories pertaining to internal battles of the past that are instantaneously resurrected. She made excruciating sacrifices, swallowed my poison and walked boldly through the brokenness in life that I created for many years with magnificent grace, and her selfless humanity and mortality is becoming more and more real to me every single day. Today, I am honored to share the raw beauty my mother and I have created within our relationship from scattering ashes. This is a reward. This is bliss. This is abundance. This is love.
Tell your mother that you love and appreciate her every day.